my little child's inner child?

[caitlinwalker]

During a frenetic trip across London underground with 2 adults, 3 children, 9, 3 and 1, 1 buggy and 3 suitcases and overcrowding with barriers closed, I had to ask my friend to hold onto the children while I pushed into the crowds to get our tickets. My 3 year old wanted to come with me and I made him stay and although I heard him protesting I kept going. Once in the queue I started inching forward and after 5 minutes noticed people staring towards where I'd left the children, then I discerned Guy shouting and shouting hysterically for me, I was only a few people away from the front and reasoned it was better to keep going then to return to him and do it all over again. When I got back he could hardly speak he was so frantic but gradually his screaming settled to sobbing and relief.

We had a lovely few days with friends then four nights later I read him a story about a Gotcha Grin and I asked if he had one.

"No Mummy, not anymore because I lost myself"
"You, lost yourself? whereabouts did you lose yourself?"
"Far away in London, under the ground"
"What happened just before you lost yourself?"
"I shouted and shouted and I thought you were lost forever and you wouldn't find us anymore"
"And then what happened?"
"I lost myself and there was a big switch and now I can't smile"

(At this stage I was so trying not to: cry, contradict him, tell him it would come back etc etc)

"What kind of switch is that switch"
"A big one and I lost myself forever far away in London"
"and what needs to happen for yourself to come back?" (a bit over hopeful at this stage - trying to help rather than trusting him)
"It can't come back it's lost"

There was more of the same and I did tell him a little of how I loved him very much and I wanted to help him find his smile again then he went to bed and slept.

He was fine in himself, just every now and then over the next 2 days he'd mention that he'd lost himself and that maybe we would have to find the big switch. Someetimes it got complicated.
"Tell Daddy what happened to your smile Guy"
"Its gone because I lost myself"
"and whereabouts is myself?"
"Your self is on you mummy, right there (points to my chest) I've lost my self"
I think my little boy may be in the middle of a disociative experience and is describing a big old T-1. I have stayed as clean as I can and asked developing questions treating the changes in attributes and locations the way I would a dream - sometimes the stuff was in London and sometimes in West Kirby (where we live) but always far far away. Then this evening he started moving the locations and the switch developed into a Thomas the Tank switch and the switch wants to decide which engine it wants in the underground and it chooses Percy. The myself is behind the switch and Guy says maybe we can find it later. Hopefully with a bit of clean first aid there won't be a scar! I'd love to know other people's experiences or ideas.

[Corrie van Wijk]

Hi Caitlin!

Your description of what happened is so lively that I can easily imagine poor little Guy in the underground!

I think you're right, this is a T-1. David always wondered 'where does the client go to when he dissociates?' (and he would be angry at you leaving his favourite like that!)

"I lost myself and there was a big switch and now I can't smile"

You can't get to 'myself' (B) from Guy (A), but the switch seems the key to get back again ('The myself is behind the switch and Guy says maybe we can find it later.').

"Your self is on you mummy, right there (points to my chest) I've lost my self"

Does he simply mean that your (Caitlin's) self is on you and his is lost? Or has his gone onto your chest? At this age he may not be able to distinguish between me, when you are referring to Caitlin and you, referring to Guy, so find a way to make that clear.

Anyway, 'we' means he needs you to help it find again. (Maybe you should ask Shaun to facilitate you both.)

I lost myself forever far away in London"

This means it is still in London.

"It can't come back it's lost"

It does not know how to come back, because it is lost, but it is still there.

"[the smile] is gone because I lost myself"

So the smile is together with the myself, makes two to find a solution!

I hope this helps and you wouldn't have to go back to London!

Love and hugs,

Corrie

[caitlinwalker]

Lovely of you to think through the scenario and put down your ideas.
I'll post developments. Caitlin

[Corrie van Wijk]

Here is a little video about EMDR (sorry, it is in Dutch, but you'll get the picture).

http://www.eenvandaag.com/call.php?m...8573&vtype=wwb

[caitlinwalker]

A couple of weeks later, Guy will happily answer clean questions about myself and explain that it is still in London and it doesn't want getting and its fine and it is far away and is staying there.
What's really useful for me is to maintain the discipline of being client led and to stay in a position of not knowing. He hasn't asked for or indicated that he wants it back and I realise that all the talk of 'We can find it ..' is in response to me pushing for 'What needs to happen for X to Y' and actually he never initiates finding it.
That realisation brought home the difference between listening with exquisite attention and listening in order to effect the outcome i wish for as a mother.
He is a bright and creative boy and I guess if he wanted me running around his psyche-space rescuing his 'myself' from the London underground like Indiana Jones he'd probably have invited me!

[hansvl]

Hi Caitlin

thank you very much for sharing this story, it is very touching and at the same time, there is much wisdom in it as well!

I was wondering, did Guy find his 'gotcha grin' back that he lost after 'myself' got lost in London? You are saying that he happily answers all clean questions about 'myself' so it sounds like he smiles again, but I thought I'd ask...

Hans

[Corrie van Wijk]

Hi Caitlin,

I trust you know I was only teasing you a bit when I wrote that David would have been angry with you about leaving Guy:

"[My 3 year old wanted to come with me and I made him stay and although I heard him protesting I kept going. Once in the queue I started inching forward and after 5 minutes noticed people staring towards where I'd left the children, then I discerned Guy shouting and shouting hysterically for me, I was only a few people away from the front and reasoned it was better to keep going then to return to him and do it all over again."]

Instead, he probably would have looked thoughtful, shrugging his shoulders (which you managed to straighten so well) and saying: "You can't protect people from life happening to them."

We all have our little trauma's (without a capital T) and that is how we learn: as a three year old you know it is crucial not to leave your mother out of sight and "shout hysterically" on the top of your lungs if you do. Now that is adequate behavior!

So when you say: ["if he wanted me running around his psyche-space rescuing his 'myself' from the London underground like Indiana need Jones he'd probably have invited me!"], I wonder that is what he actually already did, but with no result.

You ask A (Guy here and now), but you should ask B (myself and smile). Does B dare to come back? Can it find the meeting point? Does it have a train ticket? Will it be home by Christmas?

My grandmother got ill in the London Underground some hundred years ago. She was on her way to be introduced to a candidate lover. She got out and never met him and married my grandfather instead. I wouldn't have been me if things had gone differently. Now you've got me involved!

[Corrie van Wijk]

Early this year I was sitting in an airport restaurant, having the best of European food: a Dutch tosti with Italian panini and Mozzarella and Spanish jamon serrano, when my attention was caught by a little boy of about three feet tall, who was slowly and systematically going through the rows between the tables, meanwhile sort of singsonging a relaxed 'Daddy?'.

What typically happens, as Caitlin describes it: "people staring towards [...] Guy shouting and shouting hysterically for me", people stopped and stared, so just in case I would be the only responsible adult at the airport, I reluctantly left my sandwich and followed the boy. I asked him what his Daddy's name was, so as to increase his chances of finding the right Daddy and looked around for some member of the airport staff. A waitress took him to the information desk and a few minutes later I heard a call on his parents to pick him up.

This Christmas a Dutch man, Jasper Schuringa, probably prevented an airplane from being blown up by having the good sense to act instead of hysterically shouting or to stop and stare.

I wonder what his parents taught him when he was still a boy.

[caitlinwalker]

Just to let people know he's fine now. Smiles all the time. Doesn't remember the incident apart from as a story. His self seems to be back with himself. I wonder if the anxiety was mainly mine