Clean and Crafty Gamesmanship!

[MichaelM]

Clean questions about the Games we play (more about Psychological Games in a future post), Crafty because the model is designed to increase and enhance the listening attributes of Curiosity, Rapport, Assertiveness, Focus, Thoughtfulness and a Yes! attitude.

And what kind of curiosity is that curiosity?
One that engenders, is fuelled by and maintains a sense of wonder.

And what kind of rapport?
One that recognises the commonality and universality of our shared humanness even before the first encounter, and sustains that sense of connection and community through every meeting no matter what happens, which does not require that we like each other!!

And what kind of assertiveness?
Grounded, centred, non-aggressive, with a lightness of touch, a sureness of step, and a sense of self that says, 'I have the right to be heard, to be silent, to accept, to refuse, to be a child, to be a grown up, to be authentic, to be an arsehole, to say No! or Yes!, and to temper all that with the humility that lets me know that I can learn something from every single person with whom I come into contact.

And what kind of focus?
The kind that facilitates split attention; inside and out simultaneously, so that I remain aware of my internal state whilst maintaining a detatched fascination with what is happening outside me.

And what kind of thoughtfulness?
The kind that enables me to utilise my clear and critical thinking skills even if all my buttons are being pressed.
And is there anything else that you think, feel or want to say about that thoughtfulness?
Yes, it means I remain, relatively speaking, functionally intelligent
And is there anything else about that thoughtfulness?
Yes, it means that my Adult Ego State (ES) is in executive control, so that my Free Child (ES) can play, my Nurturing Parent (ES) keeps me and (my client) safe, and my Critical Parent (ES) won't beat me up or put me down!

And what kind of yes attitude is that yes attitude?
It's the kind that's based on Intelligent Optimism. An attitude that explores problems, conflicts, aspirations, ambitions, best hopes, dreams, fears, limiting beliefs, possible truths, worst case scenarios, cynical or romantic notions -whatever - with the insight and High Value Information that is gleaned from well-formed outcomes that have been cleanly questioned, maybe Milton or metamodeled, perhaps with a dollop of Kline language (as in Nancy Kline's Thinking Session), and anything else that encourages responses that are not simply emotionally driven, knee-jerk reactions.

Go well

[MichaelM]

As you will see, dear reader, there is a wealth of potentially useful information to gleaned from exploring the nature, process, desired outcome and 'need' for playing Games.

One good thing is that, because Games are repetitive, they are also predictable. Also, knowing there are a number steps (or hoops) to go through, means that we need not be taken by surprise - and yet we are, time and again, we are!

"Well, of course we're not really taken by surprise; we know how so-and-so behaves, we know how we'll react, might even swear that, this time, we'll hold out tongue, stay silent ot speak up - and we mean it. And we don't! Ah, but next time...

Our needs, anxieties, habits, insecurities, need to punish ourselves or others, sense of importance or impotence, all of these and more compel us to stay in the Game - though we curse others and kick ourselves for doing so.

According to Eric Berne, the 'father' of Transactional Analysis, from which the Game theory comes, a game is a series of complementary (reciprocal), and ulterior transactions that proceed towards a predictable outcome i.e. the payoff.

Games are often characterized by a switch in roles of players towards the end.

Games may be played by two, three or many players working toward their own payoff.
The way to stop a Game is to deprive the actors of their payoff.

ANALYSIS OF A GAME

Quantitative variables for games include:
• Flexibility: The ability of the players to change the Game's topic or the focus
• Tenacity: The persistence and the resistance it takes to play Games
• Intensity: Easy and relaxed or tense and aggressive way

Games can be classified as:
• First Degree Games - socially acceptable in the players' circle
• Second Degree Games - that players would rather conceal though they're not lethal
• Third Degree Games - games that cause emotional, physical, psychological harm

SOME COMMONLY FOUND GAMES
Described in Games People Play by Eric Berne:
• YDYB: Why Don't You, Yes But. Historically, the first game discovered
• IFWY: If It Weren't For You
• WAHM: Why does this Always Happen to Me?
• SWYMD: See What You Made Me Do
• UGMIT: You Got Me Into This
• LHIT: Look How Hard I've Tried
• ITHY: I'm Only Trying to Help You
• LYAHF: Let's You and Him Fight

[phil]

This sounds very intriguing, Michael. Since this is a forum about Clean, can you let us all know how you use Clean within your process? (beyond posing Clean questions to yourself and giving answers that describe your process, that is )

By the way, did you do it that way? I mean as you sat down to let us know about 'crafty' did you take each topic and then ask the clean question and type in your reply? Or did you have some other process? I am interested because I find asking myself clean questions very useful when I want to work out what I think about some matter that is not yet clear to me and I wonder if you or others do the same?

I think there's a lot of interest in the community about how Clean can be used before, alongside or within non-Clean processes to enhance the experience for the client. For example, in your process I imagine Clean would mean accepting the client's description of their game and not constraining them to use the labels that the process has chosen. And clean modelling before starting your game process would be a sine qua non?

[MichaelM]

By the way, did you do it that way? I mean as you sat down to let us know about 'crafty' did you take each topic and then ask the clean question and type in your reply?

Yes, though I restricted my written answers to (hopefully) enough detail to inform readers.

I find asking myself clean questions very useful

So do I!

interest in ... how Clean can be used before, alongside or within non-Clean processes ... For example, in your process I imagine Clean would mean accepting the client's description of their game

I might explain the concept and structure of Games first, ask meta-model questions to determine the specific components of their Game, possibly 'walk' the Game, perhaps Clean Space, then explore all or some of the elements with Clean questions.

and not constraining them to use the labels that the process has chosen.

What kind of process is that process?
What kind of chosen...?

And clean modelling before starting your game process would be a sine qua non?

I am not quite sure what you 'mean' bystarting your Game process.
and it is probably more the case that I blend in Clean, metamodel and Milton Questions, can be quite directive, frivolous, irreverent, manipulative, challenging, jokey, all of that, yes.
And when all of that, what would I like to have happen?
The short (!) answer is to invite people to see a broader perspective, to listen to a wider range of tunes, to grasp even bigger nettles, to appreciate different aromas, to taste the bitterness and the sweetness of what's brought to the table - and, ideally, for me to remain non-attached to my outcome, whilst helping them to achieve their 'headline' outcome, with which I had to agree and beleive I can help them achieve.
Yes, I know it's a tad less than Clean...

I am not necesaarily working in a therapeutic role - though a Healing process might take place.
In the last few weeks, for example, I have combined Clean and Crafty working with, for example, groups of teachers on Inset days, seven supervisee's, a group of social workers on a workshop on Celebrating Diversity, three people I coach, three teams of residential workers in a young offender's secure unit - as well as one of the young offenders whose violent outbursts were getting more frequent and more intense (I also 'did' some EFT with him), a woman whose lack of self-esteem is highly detrinmental to her business, a small business team in crisis, and a group of despairing trans-racially adoptive parents of teenagers.

In every single case, Games were being played out of their own awareness - and some of the people referred to are competent and experienced with NLP & CL.

I am very keen to share (NLP. CL. EFT. TA) models, theories and principles with clients - one-to-one, groups, families, teams, because I want then to have ways of making sense or understanding processes that either limit or liberate them. Also, sharing my 'secrets' provides a shared vocabluary, which makes it more likely they can and will (and do) share the models / theories / principles with the key people in their lives.